Andy Schultz

"We did a bit about bedbugs; I told Kurt that I had sex with Satan, and he had impregnated me with bedbugs. Then we threw peppercorns into the audience. I mean, if I describe the things to you, you’ll instantly know why they were only done once. [Laughs.]"

"Because we were dumb drunk in a Brooklyn bar seven years ago when we came up with the Rooster. But like the inventor of the vortex beer bottle, we woke up the next morning, sorted through our regrets, and realized we had a dream worth realizing, a dream in which 16 of the world’s best novelists fought valiantly for a live cock."

"For instance, last week I said that Gary seemed to be helping himself to other people’s soda in the break room, and that we must “take back our refrigerator.” Yet I certainly didn’t want someone to booby trap the handle, so that when Gary went to get his bag lunch, he received a mild electric shock. I was simply implying that he be banned from the break room for a period of no less than two months, and that one of you ladies might want to think about filing a sexual harassment complaint."

"Imagine that when we started Apple we set things up so that we could charge purchasers of our computers by the number of bits they use. The personal computer revolution would have been delayed a decade or more. If I had to pay for each bit I used on my 6502 microprocessor, I would not have been able to build my own computers anyway. What if we paid for our roads per mile that we drove? It would be fair and understandable to charge more for someone who drives more. But one of the most wonderful things in our current life is getting in the car and driving anywhere we feel like at this moment, and with no accounting for cost. You just get in your car and go. This is one of the most popular themes of our life and even our popular music. It’s a type of freedom from some concerns that makes us happy and not complain. The roads are already paid for. You rarely hear people complain that roads are “free.” The government shines when it comes to having provided us pathways to drive around our country. We don’t think of the roadways as being negative like telecommunication carriers. It’s a rare breath of fresh air."

"That’s what Palin believes. Each person is solely accountable for his actions. Acts of monstrous criminality “begin and end with the criminals who commit them.” It’s wrong to hold others of the same nationality, ethnicity, or religion “collectively” responsible for mass murders. Unless, of course, you’re talking about Muslims. In that case, Palin is fine with collective blame. In fact, she’s enthusiastic about it."